When It Feels Like I'm Unlucky...

This is from the beginning of the week, never got around to posting. Enjoy...

I'm really starting to realize when it is I feel unlucky and it's not alwasy necessarily because I am actually without luck.

When I talk about luck right now, it's more that I'm not getting what I want at this momment.

For example, when I was 16 I thought the only thing I wanted was a drivers license and car. I didn't get the car until I was 17, lucky but unlucky. Now that I'm 37 I wish I still had people to drive me around. Not really lucky, right now...

When I was in College I looked forward to the future and a career. Now I wish I didn't have to work, but can't afford to go back to school... unlucky, unlucky????

There's others, but sure you get the point and if not stop reading.

So what is with me now?

I've always said that I helped raise by brother and don't want children. I've said I'm too selfish. But now I'm jelous and feeling unlucky because some 30+ pound woman, on the news, not only has a husband but a newborn...

I want oooonnnneee...

But not without a Daddy, a Forever Daddy, that's for sure.

I've lived without before, but hope Mr. RM works out and I'm lucky...


2-15-06

The dreaded day is over. I think that Valentine's Day is my most dreaded 'holiday'. It reminds me of going to school dances and not getting picked or not getting asked to the prom. It's right up there with New Years, probably my second dreaded 'holiday'. I don't like tons of people or crowds or the ritual of kissing someone at midnight, but yet I feel like a looser staying at home alone and kissing my dog.

This Valentine's Day (interesting the abreviation is VD?) happened to be stepping in the right direction.

I'm crazy about Mr. RM, but I'm the type of person who expects the negative so that I'm not disappointed and hugely excited when I'm not disappointed. So I expected nothing for yesterday. Don't know if this has happened to other's, but I've found that when I wish for something really hard, I get it, but from the wrong person or in the wrong context or... It's just wrong in the end.

Not to sound hootie (ie conceited, unappreciative, etc) I've received flowers from many people I didn't want. I'll never forget when it first happened. Highschool. I was a sophomore dating a junior. Broke up with him. He got a bit psycho. Months passed and I was dating another. So I'm in class and over the speaker the chick says 'Samantha Wagner, there is a delivery for you in the office'. OK, so it's usually a present when they say that and everyone in the f'ing school knows it. So you can only imagine what the class room sounded like (ooooo Sam's got a 'delivery'). Yes, it was red roses, but the card was from my Ex, not my new love. I was so discusted they went right into the trash infront of the office secretary who paged me and probably wanted them no matter who they were from. So that was my first. Sorry office secretary.

Through the years I've received this gift from some. If we are hot and heavy (ie living together, or they owe me money) I have discouraged this gift (for the latter, all gifts). Let's face it, they cost a lot of money, these flowers, and are ultimately dead, right?

So to my surprise, at my doorstep, I have roses. My first thought is that I want them to be from RM, my second thought is that they are from my mom, the sweed, etc.

The roses, 12 of them long stemmed and red, are from RM....

To RM - Sorry I didn't sent you SHIT of anything for VD, but I love you too ...